What happened to those who chose to go missing in a cliff like manner?

Neural Reality

Neural Reality

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This article is from WeChat official account: Neuroreality, written by Alice Fleerackers, translated by EY, and the title is from AI Generation

Article Summary

Explore the phenomenon of cliff like disconnection and its psychological causes.

•      Cliff like loss of contact is widely present in various relationships.

•      People often choose to go missing due to a lack of a "script" to end their relationship.

•      The psychological impact of losing contact on the abandoned is profound.

It's like he's dead - unless someone dies, they won't show up at your doorstep

This is Lynn's description of how she felt when her ex suddenly cut off contact. We will temporarily refer to her predecessor as Aiden. Last year, Eden suddenly cut off all contact with Lynn. The two have been dating for seven years, living together in sunny California, and forming a family with Lynn's two children from their previous marriage and several dogs they share. They are planning to expand their family by arranging doctor appointments, getting to know egg donors, and meeting potential surrogate mothers. In addition, Eden and Lynn also bought cruise tickets to enjoy their vacation together after Eden returns from visiting his aunt in Hawaii.

However, Eden did not return to board the cruise ship. On the contrary, he said "Goodnight, I love you" to Lynn during their last contact and quietly withdrew from her life. He suddenly disappeared.

Shenyin: A Modern Way of Ending Relationships

Ghosting (usually translated as "divine concealment," "cliff like disappearance," or "human evaporation") is an act of ending a relationship by suddenly cutting off all contact. According to different studies, 50% to 80% of people have experienced this behavior. It not only exists in ordinary acquaintances and online dating, but also occurs between long-term partners, colleagues, family members, and close friends. Even psychotherapists sometimes "disappear" after working with patients for months. In modern online dating, "Shenyin" has become so common that dating app Tinder posted a fake job advertisement on April Fool's Day last year, looking for a "VP of Ghosting".

Although Lynn's story is shocking, it is not uncommon. It is not uncommon for people to become "mysterious" after months or even years of dating. In a study conducted in 2024, Yejin Park, a doctoral student at New York University, and Nadav Klein, a behavioral scientist at INSEAD Business School, found that the average duration of a relationship in which someone is "hidden" can be as high as five years.

This discovery is also in line with what I found on the discussion forum r/ghosting on Reddit. This community has 14000 members and is one of the top 6% of Reddit in terms of size. When I sought help from this vast group of 'hermits', many people shared their stories of losing close friends, long-term partners, and even fianc é s.

I am fascinated by these stories of 'long-term disappearance' - those former friends, partners, and distant family members who stopped replying to their loved ones' messages, blocked their calls, and even left quietly after smiling and saying 'I'll pick you up at 7 pm'. The question that has been echoing in my mind is Lynn's question - the question that all the 'hermits' want to know: why do people choose to disappear? Why not just tell the truth?

What drives people to choose to disappear?

Gili Freedman is an associate professor at St. Mary's College, who has been studying the psychology of "hidden" behavior for many years. When I asked about the reason for Shenyin, she said, "There are many reasons. I can talk for a long time

Friedman explained that the motives behind divine concealment are very diverse. Some are obvious reasons, such as losing interest in a partner, meeting a new person, or discovering that the two parties are not as compatible as imagined - but these reasons are not limited to "hidden" motives, and any breakup may involve these motivations. In addition, there are some practical reasons, such as communication overload or insufficient time - in today's increasingly frequent digital connections, these reasons may make "divine concealment" more common.

Sometimes, people choose Shenyin because their relationship is still shallow and they believe it is not worth spending energy on an awkward conversation. In other words, the recluse may not even see themselves as truly entering into a relationship, even if the 'recluse' feels completely different. However, experiences like Lynn's seem unable to be explained by these reasons.

Sometimes, 'divine concealment' behavior may be entirely reasonable, for example, when one party in a deep relationship is concerned about their own safety. This concern makes the situation even more complicated, indicating that completely cutting off contact may be a suitable 'exit'. Friedman pointed out that some people choose "divine concealment" out of despair - it is a "last resort". They may make such a decision because they cannot find any other way to end the relationship. She explained, "It's like, 'I've tried everything, but I can't get out of this relationship - then I'll have to do it one size fits all.'

But 'divine concealment' can also stem from confusion or uncertainty about how to end a relationship - often choosing this approach when we don't have a clear 'script' to guide us on how to let go.

The script helps us cope with various scenarios in the social environment. Friedman explained that it refers to "the specific words we say at a particular moment. For example, when dining in a restaurant, the usual process is to follow the waiter to the seat, place an order, and then enjoy a bread stick while waiting for the dishes to be served. This' script 'has been deeply embedded in our behavioral patterns, without the need for deliberate thinking.

The problem is that we don't have a good 'script' for rejection. You may be able to come up with some lines, "Friedman explained," but you will never actually use them, like 'This is not your fault, it's my problem,' or 'Okay, let's be friends.' Although these are 'scripts,' they are too clich é d to be spoken of

When there is no clear 'script' to guide us on how to end a relationship, some people choose to improvise, while others simply quietly 'step down'.

This also suggests another possibility: some people choose to be "reclusive", which may be related to their way of thinking about relationships and their attitude towards building connections with others. For example, a study by Friedman and his team in 2018 found that people with stronger "destiny beliefs" - those who believe that two people are either destined to be together or should not be together - are more likely to consider "reclusiveness" acceptable. These types of people are also more inclined to choose "divine concealment" in the future, whether in romantic relationships or friendships.

If you are the kind of person who believes that 'this relationship is either destined or should not exist', then choosing 'hidden' may seem more reasonable, "Friedman explained. For these people, it is easier to cut off contact directly rather than spending time and energy on a difficult conversation.

The Impact of "Shenyin" on Psychology

Regardless of the motivation, 'divine concealment' can have significant impacts on people's mental health, including anger, sadness, frustration, guilt, confusion, and injury. 'Shenyin' may even affect our attachment type - the pattern of how we perceive and handle interpersonal relationships.

People with a secure attachment style are usually confident that they can receive support from others, while anxious attachment types lack trust and crave intimacy while also fearing rejection. In a 2021 study, Friedman and his team found that anxious attachment types are more likely to experience situations of being "hidden". Although it is not yet clear whether being "hidden" leads to anxious attachment or whether anxious attachment makes people more likely to become "hidden" objects, this association appears reasonable: when a partner or friend suddenly leaves without any explanation, we may have difficulty trusting others in the future.

Professor Leah LeFebvre from the University of Alabama focuses on the study of "divine concealment". In a paper in 2020, she and her colleague Xiaoti Fan studied how 358 Americans responded to the experience of "being hidden from the gods" and the impact of this experience on them. In two studies, about 18% of people reported becoming more cautious in communication and building trust; 15% of people hold a more pessimistic attitude towards dating; Up to 5% of people say they have temporarily or even permanently stopped dating activities.

Although the negative emotions brought by "divine concealment" can weaken over time, sometimes it can also trigger unexpected positive changes. For example, in a 2020 study, 4% to 7% of respondents stated that being "hidden from the gods" prompted them to pay more attention to their attitudes towards others and their standards when looking for a partner. Others believe that this experience has become an opportunity for them to enter into happier relationships.

Similarly, in a study conducted in 2022, Friedman and his team surveyed 80 "reclusive" individuals to understand their emotional changes. These people reported initially feeling lonely, angry, sad, and hurt. However, as time passed, these negative emotions gradually weakened, and the emotional impact of the 'hermit' on this experience became less intense.

However, the results of scientific research on the long-term effects of "divine concealment" are not consistent. For example, in the 2022 study, the length of time that has passed since being "hidden from the gods" did not seem to significantly affect people's negative perceptions of this experience. But other studies have shown that "divine concealment" may have a profound impact on people's self-esteem, weaken their sense of control and belonging, increase depressive tendencies, and sometimes even trigger self harm. I really fell into a state of depression, "Lynn recalled." I even thought, 'Do I have to keep living?'

From the perspective of the hermit: Are they really doing 'for your own good'?

The problem is that the 'hermit' is not always aware of the impact their actions have on the 'hermit'. According to new research by Park Yi jin and Nadaf Klein, "hermits" may even believe that leaving without providing an explanation is "for the other person's good". In the experience of 'Shenyin', there are significant differences between different perspectives, "Park explained." The 'Shenyin' may have done so out of concern

In three pilot tests and eight experiments, the research team surveyed over 2000 people of different genders, ages, and cultural backgrounds to explore why they chose to "hide in the dark" and how this behavior affects both parties. In one of the experiments, the researchers provided participants with small bonuses to encourage them to practice "stealth" towards their chat partners. Although the chat partners were randomly assigned strangers, many people still refused the bonus - even though their conversation with the other person only lasted for three minutes.

So many people are willing to give up that money, "Park said." It's not just that they claim to care, but that they are willing to show this care by giving up money. "For her, this is one of the most exciting and unexpected findings in the study - some people are very unwilling to harm the objects they reject, and are even willing to make personal sacrifices to avoid harm.

It is worth noting that even those who choose to keep their bonuses indicate that they still care about the object they have "hidden" - a level of concern significantly higher than that felt by the "hidden". This discovery runs through all eight experiments, each using slightly different methods to evaluate the interpretation of this behavior by the "hermit" and the "hermit": whether it is a cold rejection or a protective behavior.

Step out of the shadow of being hidden by the gods

Their method is indeed very rigorous, "she commented when I asked Lefebvre for her opinion on this study. She explained that there are few studies on "divine concealment" that use experimental methods like Park and Klein, and most studies rely on questionnaire surveys or reflective exercises, which require participants to accurately recall their feelings during the experience of being "divine concealment". And Park and Klein's research is also one of the few studies that focuses on the influence of "divine concealment" on behavior initiators. We know much more about the 'hidden by the gods' than about the' hidden by the gods, '"Lefebvre said.

By conducting experimental research on both "divine hermits" and "divine hermits," researchers can test in real-time why and how people choose "divine hermits," and how this behavior affects both parties. In addition to proving that "divine concealment" is not just for self-protection, this study also found that providing reasons to cut off contact significantly changes people's experience of rejection. When the other party gives a "why" reason, people will see rejection as a more compassionate behavior, even if the "why" is difficult to accept.

Lefebvre has reservations about some of Park and Klein's conclusions, pointing out that the degree of fit between this study and real-life experiences of "divine concealment" is not yet clear, as real-life "divine concealment" usually occurs between two parties who have at least some understanding. However, she is excited about how this research reveals the "human side" of "divine concealment" behavior - a point that has also been reflected in other studies, including Lefebvre's own ongoing research.

These studies indicate that 'hermits' often feel sad and regretful about their actions. According to a study in 2023, some people even reported more negative emotional states, such as feeling depressed or sad, or being disturbed by things that wouldn't normally bother them, after "disappearing" from friends (rather than romantic partners). However, they may still choose to 'hide in the gods'.

Lynn told me that Eden had contacted her on Christmas after 'disappearing', trying to explain his behavior. He said in the text message that he stopped contacting me because he thought it would be easier for me, "Lynn said." Of course, I think this is completely nonsense

Lynn's experience reveals the core contradiction of the "reclusive" behavior: although we may choose "reclusive" to avoid hurting those we have loved or at least cared about, few people interpret this rejection as a form of care. On the contrary, Lefebvre's research found that the "reclusive" often believe that the problem lies with themselves - feeling too difficult to get along with, too dependent on others, or having some kind of flaw in themselves. As she explained, the act of "divine concealment" prevents us from obtaining a clear explanation for why a relationship collapses. When faced with this cognitive gap, many people will fill it with their own insecurity.

This uncertainty also makes it difficult for those who are "hidden" to continue moving forward, especially for those who are not good at handling ambiguous situations. Each of us has a different level of tolerance for uncertainty, "said Nazanin Moghadami, a registered clinical consultant specializing in interpersonal relationship issues." The inability to reach clear conclusions based on specific situations and the depth of relationships can be very painful. "Lack of understanding of the reasons for the termination of relationships can be" very hurtful and lead people into a vicious cycle of negative emotions

However, every expert I interviewed unanimously agreed that even if we don't get the answers we crave, people can still come out of the shadow of being "hidden by the gods". In addition to common ways to boost emotions such as exercising, gratitude exercises, helping others, or making new friends, Lefebvre believes that it is important to recognize and accept that being "hidden" is a part of the risk that needs to be taken when making new friends. Perhaps everyone has been 'hidden' to some extent, "she said," and there may also be people who feel that you have been 'hidden' to them

This mentality may be helpful for those who have been "hidden" in dating for several months and still want to move forward. But for people like Lynn, this kind of relationship has clearly gone beyond the common category of 'divine concealment', and it is difficult to expect this mentality to help her.

However, when I asked Park what she believed the "hermits" could learn from her research, she gave a similar suggestion: "Sometimes, our cognition shapes the ultimate reality," she said. Instead of interpreting 'divine concealment' as a disrespectful or malicious behavior, we can choose to view it from a more tolerant perspective. I can take the initiative to interpret it as, 'Perhaps they truly respect me and want to protect me from certain information.' Park believes that this change in perspective may significantly affect our experience of 'divine concealment' and help us bounce back after being rejected.

Of course, changing our perception of 'divine concealment' - viewing it as a common, unintentional, and even well intentioned act - does not truly provide the 'closure' we crave. It cannot bring back those who have left us, nor can it completely heal our pain and sadness. But this small shift in mindset may help us no longer see the 'hermit' as an unwelcome ghost, but as a way to remind us of our self-worth - reminding us of our willingness to open up, take risks, and look forward to connecting with others.

A year has passed, and Lynn says she still feels pain from Eden's sudden disappearance. But even though she understood that some of her questions may never be answered, she began to view this experience in a different way - seeing it as Eden's flaw rather than her own problem. My self-esteem - obviously I'm still working hard to recover - but it's starting to pick up, "Lynn said." I'm finding the answer for myself

Original text: https://nautil.us/why-we-ghost-1006065/

This article is from the WeChat official account: Neuroreality, written by Alice Fleerackers, and translated by EY

This content is the author's independent viewpoint and does not represent the stance of Tiger Sniff. Reproduction without permission is not allowed. Please contact for authorization matters hezuo@huxiu.com

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那些选择断崖式失联的人，怎么了？